Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Taken over by the fear.

What causes me to succeed in life is fear. Yet it works in reverse many times. Fear is the cause of me turning away from something good that may be waiting for me. It is odd, I think.

Since high school I have always feared of the unknown when it came to trying things I believed I was good at. Be it auditioning for modelling (with the fact I am far too short) or pushing that 2 a.m. work-shift to complete my english essays ( which were more dreaded then math class). As terrifying and extremely stressful as the situations have played out to be, they have been very rewarding.

What events have sparked this topic of 'fear' to present itself in my mind? This subject has not just popped in my mind today, but has been lingering there for quite a while. The utterly most important reason that the subject presents itself today is because " fear " defines my start in life. Yes. Fear is the reason that the journey I once could only imagine of, I am now going to be realistically embarking on within a few days.

Need not to worry. If one so young can venture among
the violent streets of Manhattan what is a young adult
 like me to worry about? 
The fact no one, other then my loving mother, supports my decision to leave everything I have behind, and head off to NYC, causes the 'fear' to present itself. It would all be very easy with my family believing, and perhaps, more importantly knowing that I am leaving my small town in Canada, to live in this big city of 'dreams'.   Tho that would surely be a mistake.

It is here where my 'fear' goes both ways in helping with my choice in life. Will I allow the 'fear' of my family rejecting me upon my return from NYC prevent me from leaving town in the next few days or will I let my 'fear' of the unknown future that is waiting for me to allow me to board that bus this week.  It is a very difficult situation that I know not only I have been put through, which comforts me a small amount.

The safe road gets us nowhere, and is easily predictable. The high road is dangerous and many times irresponsible, but leaves us with a sense of accomplishment. I believe regret will present itself in both cases. What always pushes me to continue doing what I truly want in life is that dangerous 'fear' and although it's hard to overcome, it has never disappointed me. If my family really is caring, they will support my decision later on, with some understanding. On contrary, if they choose to ' disown me', I will learn that only 'I' can make myself happy in the end. It is 'MY' life, and it is 'MY' choices which really layout what lifestyle I will live.

I guess, it makes most sense to forget family, forget 'safe fear' and embrace change. I will begin my , as cliche as it may sound, ' once in a lifetime' journey. So what if nothing will work out beyond my internship. Whatever it takes to get me out of this small town, and out there in the world, will never be a regret. Life is about exposing yourself to the unknown and learning. This may all be pretty obvious to everyone, but it is my way of helping myself choose the right decision.

I want all young, dreamers like me, to believe in themselves and give this 'fear of unknown' thing a go. It really will pay off. I will keep everyone up to date how my trip from a small country town , to the large concrete jungle develops. I have been given an amazing opportunity. The fact I am running away from my family without even saying goodbye is where the 'fear of safe road' departs my mind. I chose 'MY' path this very moment. I am taken over by one of the two fears and plan to test its limits every day during my stay in NYC.

Off to buy my megabus tickets. Wish me luck!

 ** Tip from previous journey :

Keep my journal with me at all times. You never know when that "useless" number or address will come in handy. My first interview took me about 3 wrong subways ( I am embarrassed to say I discovered the weekly METRO pass the day of my departure to Canada. Do not be fooled. That 2.50$/ ride really eats up your wallet if you are a newbie to the city like myself) and 2 hours of pointless walking to get to the final destination. Worthless to mention that I did not receive my position.... but it didn't stop me from attending the rest of my interviews that week... and voila! Here I am a few days later packing to move back to NYC for the best internship I could have asked for.

a few too many tickets for under 15 min 

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